Attachment, Emotion and Money: How Early Relationships Shape Financial Behaviour
Oct 24, 2025
Money is never just about money. Beneath every decision, every spreadsheet, and every moment of avoidance or over-control lies an emotional story. Those stories were not formed when we first started earning; they began long before that, in the relationships that first taught us what safety, love, and trust felt like.
The way we relate to money often mirrors how we relate to people. If our early experiences taught us that support was reliable and that we were worthy of care, we are more likely to approach money with calm confidence. If care was inconsistent or conditional, money may evoke anxiety, guilt, or fear of loss. And if closeness once felt unsafe, we may distance ourselves from money altogether, preferring not to look at what feels overwhelming.
Attachment theory helps explain why these patterns run so deep. As children, we learned whether the world was predictable or uncertain, whether we were safe or not. Those lessons became the emotional blueprint for adulthood, and they now surface in our financial habits. Some of us seek control to prevent loss, while others avoid engagement to escape shame. Some of us over-give to feel loved, while others hoard to feel secure. None of these behaviours are random. They are learned strategies to manage emotion.
Schema Therapy goes a step further by showing how these early experiences crystallise into enduring beliefs about ourselves and the world. These “lifetraps”: beliefs such as “I’ll never get this right,” “No one will support me,” or “I must be perfect” shape not only how we relate to people but also how we relate to money. Someone carrying a Failure schema might delay financial decisions, afraid to confirm their own self-doubt. Someone with an Unrelenting Standards schema may overwork or oversave, driven by the need to prove worth. Someone with a Dependence schema might avoid responsibility altogether, believing that others will always need to take care of them.
The path forward begins with awareness. Recognising these patterns is not about blame; it is about understanding the logic of our own psychology. When we pause and ask ourselves, “Is this choice coming from the grounded adult in me, or from an old pattern that once kept me safe?” we reclaim our power to choose differently.
Albert Bandura’s work on social learning and self-efficacy adds another important dimension. He showed that confidence is not innate; it is learned through experience. Each small success, each time we take an intentional financial action, reinforces the belief that we are capable. This belief, known as self-efficacy, determines whether we persist when challenges arise. We learn not only through information, but through observation, modelling, and emotion. Seeing others make empowered choices helps us believe that we can too.
My research collaboration with Newcastle University highlighted a similar truth: awareness alone rarely changes behaviour. Knowledge helps us see, but structure helps us act. When we design our environment so that the right choice becomes the easy one, like automating savings, creating pauses before spending, or removing unnecessary temptations, we no longer have to rely solely on willpower. Structure beats discipline every time.
Ultimately, healing our relationship with money is emotional work as much as it is practical work. It involves regulating the nervous system, building confidence through mastery, and surrounding ourselves with supportive role models. Every calm decision, from opening a statement without panic, setting up a small standing order, or having a transparent conversation teaches the brain that we are safe now. Over time, safety replaces fear, confidence replaces shame, and clarity replaces avoidance.
True financial wellbeing is not the absence of emotion; it is the integration of emotion with knowledge and action. It is being able to meet yourself with compassion when you fall into old patterns, and then choosing to respond differently. It is knowing that your worth is not defined by a number, but that your financial choices can reflect your values, priorities, and self-respect.
Awareness is the beginning, but it is through consistent, supported action that real transformation happens. That is why I created the Empowered Money Club, a space where we take the theories and turn them into lived experience. It is where women learn to manage their money with calm confidence, reshape the beliefs that once held them back, and build systems that support emotional and financial stability. If you are ready to stop repeating old patterns and start creating a secure, empowered relationship with money, you can join us here Join the Empowered Money Club. We would love to have you.